The first day of school is like New Year to me. As a teacher it is a new beginning, fresh start. How can I do better, what can I change? But with these questions, one must also ponder what has happened in the past to encourage a person to do that. I look back at this last year and nothing anyone could have said would have prepared me for the year ahead. If someone had told me that two of my children would be married by the beginning of this school year, I would have laughed at them. First grandbaby coming any day? No way. Depression and anxiety taking over my common sense and sometimes will to live and move forward? Nope, not me. Unbelievable grief over losing my Mom. None of these things were a part of my life one year ago, but now they are my reality.  Even finishing graduate school seemed a bit too far-fetched for who I was. I am a person who loves to start new and exciting things, but I am not likely to finish.  Even when I was asked to start a new classroom at work, everyone knew I would find someone else to take over very quickly. But I didn’t, I actually stuck it out for the entire year. That little class was the best thing that happened to me in the school year, it gave me purpose. I loved those kids, for one year, they became my life. It gave me a glimpse of who I used to be. But now those little guys are starting Kindergarten, hopefully prepared for the year ahead. All of them meeting new teachers and beginning new adventures of their own. So where does that leave me? Back in my little hole in the wall office, away from all the action, missing my spot at the front where I could greet each parent individually. Now I have a new role and I have to recreate myself again.  The question I have now is can I do it? Do I still have the ability, the desire, the energy? I am not the person I used to be, I am not a better version of my old self.  For the first time I find myself not wanting to go ahead, but rather, return to my old self. The person I was.  But is that even possible? What if I can’t, what if this new me, is my new reality? I am not sure I can live with that.

My bible verse for this year was so simple, “My grace is sufficient for you.” 2 Cor. 12:9 I had no idea that when I picked it (or God revealed it to me) that I would rely so heavily on it.  I have never needed a verse so badly before. One that I could hold on to.  Hold on to like a life raft. Until this year, I did not know that my bible was just that, a life saver.  But now I know. I learned a lot this year, when nothing else matters, God still thinks that I matter. So I can share that, right? I can share that God does not abandon us, no matter what we are going through.  No matter how badly we want to abandon Him. God will pursue me, He will pursue you also. My prayer for this year…Lord, please pursue me, even when I don’t want to be pursued.